The Sound of West Side Salzburg

Setting: Salzburg, Austria

Time: Present

The Unitarians have been extending their sinister liberal influence throughout Europe. Folks are anxious. It is generally considered a dark, dangerous time. The word on the street is that the Uni's may be entering Salzburg any day now.

The action of the play begins with two groups of teenagers from local churches proseletyzing on street corners. They accidentally cross into the other's territory. They bait each other with passages from Ecclesiastes and Paul. The tension escalates and they resort to rough passages from Revelations. This confrontation turns into a complex dance that suggests a fist fight. Finally the local authority intervenes.

CARDINAL KRUPKE: All right, all right, break it up already! Why can't you two groups of holy hoodlums play nice wid' each other? Huh? Why don't you dirty PR's go back where you came from--Germany! ....Whatsamatta with you, Bernardo? ...Oh, that's right, it's a free country, isn't it. Well not on my watch it isn't! If you want to convert each other, fine, but not on my watch. (Bernardo bristles but says nothing). Yeah, that's right. Get outa' here, you PR's. (The Protestant Radicals muster their dignity and exit, whistling "Le Marsielles.")

Later, deep inside the turf of the youth group God's Jets...

RIFF: Those dirty PR's have gone too far this time. Too far. It's time to bust 'em down once and for all. Let's challenge them to a convert rumble! No one can take our territory away. It's the only home we got. We gotta' show 'em who's boss. We're God's Jets, the greatest!

Song: "GOD'S JET SONG"

When you're God's Jet / you're a God's Jet all the way / from your first rosary / to your last dyin' rite. / When you're God's Jet / let em' do what they can / You got fathers around, you're a Catholic, right! / You're never alone, you're always genuflected / You're home with your own / when Mormons are expected, you're well protected. / Then you are set with a Cardinal J / which they'll never forget till they cart you away / When you're God's Jet--you--stay--a--God's Jet!

RIFF: Now I know Tony like I know me and I can guarantee you can count him in.

A-RAB: In-out, let's get crackin'.

ACTION: Where you going to find Bernardo?

RIFF: Tonight at the parish gym.

A-RAB: Yeah, but the gym's neutral territory.

RIFF: A-rab, I'm going to make nice with him. I'm only going to challenge his basic theological tenets. Right, so listen, everybody dress up sweet and sharp in your best starchy black and white collars and meet tonight at the gym!

A-RAB: And walk tall with God!

BABY JOHN: We always walk tall wlith God!

RIFF: We're God's Jets--the greatest!

Meanwhile, outside Salzburg, we see an aerial vista of expansive alpine hills. Birds twitter. Bucolic music plays, featuring lots of flutes and french horns. The serenity is nearly unbearable. Far below we come to see a lone figure wandering on a hilltop. It is a young woman. We come closer and closer until we are but feet from her. As the music crescendoes, she twirls her simple blue dress and bursts forth in a clarion soprano.

Song: THE SOUND OF MUSIC

The hills are alive with the sound of music / with songs they have sung for a thousand years.

And so on. We all know this song. What we don't know is that this is Maria, sister of Bernardo, leader of the youth group Sharks for Jesus. Bernardo is protective of Maria and relieved that she entered a convent where she'll be safely cloistered forever. Maria for her part is devoted to the monastic lifestyle, or at least she has always thought so, but lately she's been wondering about that. As are the other nuns in her convent, who question her fidelity. Even the Mother Abbess knows that Maria still wears tee shirts under her robes that say, "Sharks for Jesus." This is forbidden, of course. The nuns sing a song about it.

Song: "HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA?"

How do you solve a problem like Maria? / How do you keep the gang attire off? / How to find a word that means Maria? / A party girl, a biker chick, a--

Maria arrives back at the convent late, as usual. She's happy because it's Friday and Bernardo has invited her to attend the West Salzburg Interdenominational MIxer. She'll have to slip out unnoticed, as usual.

Somewhere in West Salzburg, not far from the parish gym, young Tony is closing up shop at the Salzburg Christian Supply Bookstore where he works as a clerk to support his seven children. Riff arrives.

RIFF: Tony, my man, we need you tonight at the parish gym. We're going to challenge the Sharks for Jesus to a conversion rumble.

TONY: I'm out of that business, Riff. You know that. I've got my seven kids to think about. Rumbling doesn't put food on the table.

RIFF: Tony, come now! Be reasonable. We need you there for support. We're going to arrange a conversion war council to set a time and place and call weapons for the convert rumble. But you never know with the Sharks for Jesus. They don't convert fair. That's why we need you, Tony--you're the best!

TONY: Was the best. No more.

RIFF: Oh, come on! Who knows--you might meet a nice Lutheran girl! It's interdenominational, you know.

TONY: Really? I'm so there.

RIFF: Now that's the Tony I remember! A true stand up homie.

Later that evening, God's Jets and the Sharks for Jesus are at the interdenominational mixer with their girlfriends. They cast baleful glances at each other. They demonstrate their authority with lively dances appropriate to their cultural background. Tony and Maria meet unexpectedly at the Hi-C punch bowl. It is love, or at least something very close to it. Lost in their own love world, they dance and comment on the eternality of love and whatnot. Then Bernardo and Riff discover the love birds and a fight nearly erupts. The conversion war council is arranged for midnight that night at Doc's Drugstore. Tony leaves the parish gym knowing one thing: her name is Maria. He also knows that she is a nun, but so what? He runs through the night streets of Salzburg singing at the top of his lungs. Surely he breaks noise ordinances, but no one seems to notice.

Song: "MARIA"

Maria, I've just met a nun named Maria / and suddenly I've found how wonderful a sound can be.

Later that night the PR's congregate on top of their modern, tastefully-built tenement building and sing a song and do a dance in which the men debate the women on whether life is better in Austria or back in the homeland of Germany.

Song: "AUSTRIA"

WOMEN: I like to be here in Austria / Okay by me here in Austria / Everything free here in Austria. MEN: What is for me here in Austria? INTERLUDE AND DANCE. MEN: I think I'll go back to East Bonn. WOMEN: I know a plane you can get on. MEN: Everyone there likes to drink beer. WOMEN: Everyone there will have moved here!

Maria learns about the conversion rumble and goes to find Tony to urge him to stop this needless violence. Tony agrees to stop the conversion rumble and Maria agrees to leave the convent in order to date Tony. It will be risky, as they come from youth groups that are sworn enemies. She will need to get a job to support herself. They separate and Maria returns to the convent, slipping over the wall in a most un-nunly fashion and sees the Mother Abbess, who is awake late in her study reading The da Vinci Code and loving it, but wishing there were a bit more steamy action sprinkled throughout. Not wanting to spill the beans about the stud she met at the dance, Maria dithers a bit about questioning her loyalty to the Order. The Mother Abbess interrupts her with an inspiring, belting song.

Song: "DRINK EV'RY FOUNTAIN"

Drink ev'ry fountain / Afford every dream / Follow ev'ry rainbow / till you find your team. / A team that will pay all expenses away / Ev'ry day of your life / for as long as you live!

The Mother Abbess then informs Maria that perhaps she should leave the convent for awhile and find a nice young man, or a gang member, whichever comes along first. The Mother tells Maria of a job opening as a governess with one Von Trapp, a retired Captain who has seven children.

MARIA: Seven children? Good grief! But I'll do it!

She packs her suitcase and heads out of the convent with address in hand. She's excited about life with Tony, but uncertain of her job with the Captain. To gain confidence, she sings a song.

Song: "I HAVE CONFIDENCE"

I have confidence in moonshine! / I have confidence in Duane! / I have confidence that spring will come again / Besides which you see I have confidence in thee!

The lyrics don't make much sense, but it's late and Maria is tired and giddy. She arrives at the address, a three-room apartment over the Salzburg Christian Supply Bookstore. She knocks. Tony answers.

TONY: Maria, it's you!

MARIA: Tony, what are you doing here?

TONY: I live here.

MARIA: You do? Well, is the Captain in? I'm here to start my new job as his governess.

TONY: You're the governess? Well do come in! I'm the Captain.

MARIA: You're the Captain?

TONY: Retired. I was captain of God's Jets. Captain Anthony Von Trapp. Riff was my co-captain.

MARIA: And your pilot?

TONY: God.

MARIA: Of course. And you have seven children?

TONY: (Laughs lightly). Oh, that. Yes, seven.

MARIA: You're married?

TONY: Goodness, no! Single, I swear.

MARIA: But where's their mother?

TONY: (Thinks for a moment, then shrugs.) I don't know where their mothers are.

MARIA: (Struggles to put the scenario together in her mind, then drops her suitcase and flings her arms wide.) Tony!

TONY: Maria! (They embrace and would likely stay embraced for the remainer of the show if not for a polite, interrupting cough from close by.) Pardon me. Maria, allow me introduce my children. (He indicates seven children sitting primly on the edge of the couch in order from shortest to tallest.) These are my kids. They absolutely insist on doing everything all regimented-like. They gave me this little whistle and I have to communicate with them by blowing on it in code. Watch, this is cute. (He blows two shorts and two longs. The children respond immediately by making a cheerleader's pyramid. Maria politely applauds.) They're quite keen on it, the little devils. (He toots another code and in a flash the children are setting the table. The smallest child breaks away from the group and stands before Maria. She is impossibly cute.)

GRETL: My name is Gretl. I have an ouchy on my finger. See? Father won't let us enter the Salzburg Cheerleading Competition. We don't like you. You're wearing a shirt that says "Sharks for Jesus." They're our sworn enemies. (She dashes back to join the blur of table setting.)

TONY: Maria, I'm off to the war council to stop this needless conversion. Good luck with the kids. They seem to hate you, but don't worry, they'll get over it.

MARIA: (Kisses Tony on cheek.). Good-bye, Dear. Here's a little snack I prepared for you in case you get hungry. (Hands him a sack.) Don't be out too late. And take your coat, or at least a sweater. And be careful. I'll have dinner ready when you get back. (Exit Tony. A crash of thunder is heard. The children drag Maria to the bed and cluster round her.)

LEISL: We hate you, but we hate thunder even more. Comfort us! And maybe teach us to sing while you're at it!

MARIA: Let's see...(Picks up Tony's electric guitar.)

Song medley: GUMDROPS AND MOSES and DOUGH IS DEAR

Gumdrops and Moses / and selling those kittens. / Wearing my medals and saying 'good riddance!' / Wild geese that soon will be buffalo wings (yum!) / Those are a few of my favorite things.....Dough is dear, it's cash for beer. / Ray, my boyfriend two years back. / Me, it's me, it's always me / 'Faugh' is Shakespeare, what a hack! / So said twice is just so-so / La, la la la la la! / Tea don't drink with ham and cheese / and that brings us back to dough dough dough dough!

CHILDREN: We love you now! Here, blow two shorts and two longs! (She toots, and again they form the pyramid.)

Meanwhile, down at Doc's Drugstore, God's Jets and Sharks for Jesus are having a war council.

RIFF: Place?

BERNARDO: Back of the church.

RIFF: Weapons?

BERNARDO: Bibles.

RIFF: King James.

BERNARDO: Gideon.

RIFF: Holy water.

BERNARDO: Scepters!

RIFF: Bricks from the demolished church that are supposed to be sold for fund raising! (Impasse. They're ready to rumble right now. Tony enters.)

TONY: Holy water! Church bricks! Bibles! Come on, now! What's the matter? You afraid of a real convert rumble? If you were real proseletyzers, you'd go word to word, no bibles, no scepters--just your words. (Tension remains high, then breaks.)

RIFF: Fine, word to word, straight up. Our best man against your best man. First to convert the other wins.

BERNARDO: We pick him--Tony.

ACTION: It's Riff or no one. Deal's a deal!

BERNARDO: All right. Tomorrow night, back of the church when the evening Eurostar to Brussels departs. (The lookout alarm is sounded. Within seconds, the scene turns from ugly confronation to warm snuggies. Cardinal Krupke enters smiling.)

CARDINAL KRUPKE: Well, well. Now this is more like it. Looks like my little talk with you's paid off. It warms my heart to see how nicely you boys can play wid' each other. (In a burst of anger, he upends a Candyland board game.) All right, where's the conversion rumble going to be? Eh? I know all about it, so just tell me, will ya'? Look, I don't want any trouble. I'm here to help. You tell me and I'll provide trained clergy. No one gets hurt. (All youth group members remain stony-faced. Krupke changes tack and begins taunting.) Baby-John--how's the action in your mother's Wednesday night church group? Attendance down? (Baby-John looks hurt, but says nothing.) Chino, your mother baptised with a cheap cola beverage? (Chino tenses to strike, but is restrained by his youth group affiliates. Krupke laughs coarsely.) That's right, go ahead and do it and I'll bust you's down to altar boys, and don't think I won't! Don't worry, I'll find out where the convert rumble is. I always do. (Exit Krupke, and Sharks for Jesus.)

A-RAB: Gee, I get a feeling he don't like us.

ACTION: Don't take it personal, Buddy-boy. All the church brass are down on us.

BABY-JOHN: But there's nothing wrong with us!

ACTION: Boys, let's sing.

Song: "CARDINAL KRUPKE"

Gee, Cardinal Krupke, we're very upset / we never had the church that every child ought to get. / We ain't no delinquents, we're misunderstood / Deep down inside us there's a hood / There's a hood, there's a hood, a monastic hood / like inside the worst of us is good!

Next evening, behind the church. The 9:15 to Brussels is heard. Sharks for Jesus and God's Jets trickle in. They're jittery and remain on opposite sides of the parking lot lit with high-efficiency halogen lights.

A-RAB: Where's Tony?

RIFF: He'll be here, he'll be here. (The groups warily approach each other. Riff and Bernardo come together.)

BERNARDO: Fair conversion.

RIFF: Fair conversion. (They begin circling each other.) "Let us eat and drink for tomorrow we die."--Isaiah. (Bernardo ducks.)

BERNARDO: "Blessed are those who wash their robes." --Revelations.

RIFF: "Smoke went up from his nostrils!"--Samuel.

Bernardo reels, tension escalates. Clerical items are pulled from jackets and tossed to the dueling converters. Bernardo lunges with holy water and splashes Riff while shouting a passage from Genesis. Tony arrives and attempts to stop this rough and tumble conversion. Riff, stunned by Bernardo's assault, swoons and drops. He is now an Anglican. He lies unconscious on the asphalt. Tony cries out in anguish. He grabs the scepter from Riff's hand, waves it and shouts a barrage of highly conversionary passages from Deuteronomy. Bernardo reels and falls. He is now a Holy Roller. The youth groups are shocked and stand staring at each other while church security vehicle sirens grow louder. One by one the youth group members vanish into the night. Last to go is Tony, who doesn't know how he's going to break this Maria and the kids.

God's Jets reassemble inside their turf. They're nervous and want to know where Tony is, as the Sharks for Jesus are on the prowl. Church authorities, led by the relentless Cardinal Krupke, are also on the hunt. A-rab in particular is taking the events of the evening hard and wants some revenge. Ice advises A-rab to cool it, and has some other advice as well.

ICE: You wanna' get ahead in this lousy world? Go to school.

A-RAB: I wanna' get even!

ICE: Get even in school!

A-RAB: I wanna bust!

ICE: Bust in school!

A-RAB: I wanna' go!

ICE: Go to school! (Rhythmic finger snapping starts.)

Song: "SCHOOL"

Boy, boy, crazy boy / get school, boy. / Breeze it, buzz it / easy does it / just go to school, boy. / Don't get hot, 'cause man you've got some coursework ahead. / Take it slow and Daddy-o you can get a Ph.D instead / Boy, boy, crazy boy / stay loose, boy. / Granny's locket, why not hock it? / It's cash for school, boy. / Go man, go, to Harvard Divinity School, boy, just play it cool, boy / In school.

A-RAB: All right, I'm cool now. I'm goin' to school.

ACTION: Now you're talking.

A-RAB: I always dreamed of getting a degree in muscal theater and being a Broadway hoofer.

BABY-JOHN: You're going to sell yourself?

A-RAB: I said, 'hoofer,' ya' numskull.

ICE: Go to the University of Vienna. They got a great theater arts program.

A-RAB: But would they take a youth group member like me?

ICE: 'Course they would! They took me, after all, and now I'm dancin' on Broadway. See? (does a softshoe). You'll need financial aid. Baby-John, give him a form. (Baby-John produces a crumpled financial aid form from his pocket and hands it over.)

ARAB: Gee, thanks. I'll miss you guys! You're the swellest gang ever.

ICE: So long, Buddy-Boy. (A-rab kisses the financial aid form and exits stage left to enroll at the University of Vienna.)

Meanwhile, Maria learns what happened at the conversion rumble. Not only did Tony not stop the rumble, but converted her own brother to that strange American brand of religion called "Holy Rollers." There is quite a scene when he returns to the apartment. He tells her of Bernardo's conversion of Riff. They hug and cry and speak of wild, ill-conceived plans to elope to Cleveland, Ohio, where they can live in peace. And on top of that, even more bad news comes down the pike.

MARIA: Tony, have you heard? Austria has fallen. The Unitarians have entered Salzburg. Two Unitarian officials came to the apartment tonight. They wanted you to have this. (She hands over a letter. Tony reads in silence and grimaces. He crumples the paper and lets it fall.) Tony, what is it?

TONY: The Unitarians want me to assume command of a Unitarian Service District as a Lay Preacher and Youth Outreach Coordinator. (Maria gasps and clings to Tony.)

MARIA: Whatever will we do?

TONY: Flee to Switzerland. Great watches, great chocolate. Let's pack up the kids and hit the road.

They gather the children and leave. On the way to the car they are accosted by several friendly but determined Unitarian officials.

UNITARIAN OFFICIAL: Captain Von Trapp. Good evening. We trust you received our papers...? So then, where exactly are you going?

TONY: (Thinking hard, playing for time.) We were...just...going to the Salzburg Cheerleading Competition, weren't we, children?

CHILDREN: Yay!

TONY: They're really quite keen on cheerleading. And I did promise them--sort of. It would break their hearts if they didn't get to go. (Officials privately confer.)

OFFICIAL: Very well. We want people to think that nothing has really changed in Austria. It would be a fine thing for you to appear at the Salzburg Cheerleading Competition. We will accompany you to see that you don't get lost.

They proceed to the competition. Finally it is their turn to perform. They take the stage. The Captain blows his whistle and in a twinkle the children execute a perfect pyramid. The Austrians rise to their feet in a deafening roar. Grandmothers openly weep. Unusually grim-looking Unitarians man the exits. The Von Trapp family leaves the stage and slips out of the arena. They continue on toward the foothills of the Alps where beyond lies the refuge of Switzerland. On the very outskirts of town the Sharks for Jesus surprise Tony. They are armed to the teeth with all manner of ecumenical paraphernalia. God's Jets also appear, but before they can do anything to protect Tony, the Sharks for Jesus hurl passages at him from both Old and New Testaments. It is more than Tony can bear; his system quickly overloads. He pulls a tunic out of his rucksack and dons it. He plucks an Eidelweiss flower and vacantly extends it to Maria.

MARIA: Tony, oh Tony! What have they done? (She turns to the youth groups.) You beasts! Look at what you've done! It's your fault! When will the conversion end? When? (Shamed, the youth groups remain silent and downcast. Maria addresses the children.) Your father is now a Hare Krishna. Come, let us continue. There are some fine cult deprogrammers in Switzerland, so let's bring him along. I'll lead the way. Make sure he doesn't lag too far behind, children. And don't take the flowers he offers, and don't give him any money.

End